I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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