I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
