the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
the raccoons are back...
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