all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
pray to the hookup gods
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