he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
