I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
