you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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