Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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