Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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