My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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