His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
