how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
