She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
