I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
