dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
