Your mouth is God's brothel.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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