so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
