i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
