Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
