What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
People in love make me want to vomit
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
