Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
