my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize