ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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