I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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