Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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