I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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