u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
