Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
