That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
