her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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