This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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