I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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