Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
is wine microwaveable?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Randomize
