I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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