dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
