Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
