my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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