The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
