That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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