it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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