I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
