The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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