If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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