A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
