Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Drunk is not a location!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
