it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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