Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Randomize
