and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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