Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
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