i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
