jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
