She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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