she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
