so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
