dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
