Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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