last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
