Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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