You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
